Star Trek for Love
by Penutsonfire
Summary: The members of the Starship Enterprise go on their most daring mission yet, and this time... it's serious!


Space: the final frontier... is what dumb people would say if they had no imagination. The crew aboard the starship enterprise were not that stupid though, they went to college (except for Spock). What they were striving to find was the _TRUE_ final frontier: romance. However this was a problem as all the crew members on the enterprise really hated one another and did not wish to fall in love. That was why they were in space.

"Spock, tell me if you're feeling anything when I smooch you on the cheek." said Captain Kirk, leaning in for a kiss.

"Kirk, I know it's been over 3,000 days with no success, but try and think rationally! It is highly illogical for a man to kiss another man like this. I believe it is what earthlings call 'gay'" Spock said, rejecting Kirk.

"Darn, I thought that would work. Would you be more willing if I put on Barry Manilow?" said Kirk, spinning a record in his hand.

"I believe you are thinking of Barry White, Kirk. He is the sexy one, not Manilow." said Spock

"I dunno Spock, I think copacabana is a pretty catchy song." said Kirk, not retreating in his advances.

Just as this painful conversation dragged out even further, Scotty burst through the cupboard under a desk.

"Dammit boys, just kiss already! I've been waiting in here for the past 2 hours and you still haven't kissed? I'm so disappointed." said Scotty

"Sorry Scots my boy, but _someone_ doesn't feel like kissing today." said a sarcastic Kirk.

"I already told you both I am not kissing Kirk, he smells like day old socks and that doesn't include his breath. Yuck!" said Spock

"Aww, come on Spocky. You've disappointed this old, fat, and probably near-death man with your harsh words. Be more kind." said Kirk

"Well sorry for being honest. We can't find true love and capture it's essence to sell on the black market if there is no true love and true love can't be forced." said a tenacious Spock.

Scotty, disappointed with this plot development, sadly exited the room just as another beloved member of the starship enterprise entered.

"Hey fellas, what's got Scotty in such a dower mood?" said Hermes, the actual Greek god.

"Oh hey Hermes, he's just in a bad mood because Spock here doesn't feel like falling in love with me." said Kirk with a certain inflection to make Spock feel bad.

"I'm not going over this again Kirk." said Spock., sighing loudly so everyone could here.

"So anyways," said Kirk with a glare at Spock "When are we going to arrive at the destination you promised us?" asked the ever to-the-point Kirk.

"Well, my home planet shouldn't be much farther from here. There you should meet Aphrodite, as well as the other gods and goddesses of love. After all, what's the use of a captive that won't talk, huh?" said Hermes, delivering his funny personality into your hearts as I am typing this.

"Kirk! I see it now!" said Spock, pointing out the window.

"I'm not listening to you anymore Spock, you haven't earned my respect after your actions today.

Since Kirk wasn't listening to Spock, and therefore didn't see the giant planet they were falling into at rapid speed. They crashed hard, but everyone was OK.

"Is everyone OK? Do we need a doctor?" asked the kind and caring Kirk.

"No, I think very character that matters is OK. Only the red shirts are dead." said Uhura, scanning the environment

"Great, we have plenty of food if we run out of it on our journey!" said Kirk.

However, not all was OK. As the wreckage revealed that one important character had been brutally damaged.

"Oh me oh my, I can't feel me legs!" said Scotty, writhing in pain on the ground.

"Oh my god, Scotty! Bones, do something!" said Kirk

"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor not a... wait." said Bones, whose funny joke was done intentionally. He just felt like lightening the mood.

"Ouch! Am I gonna be OK? If I'm gonna die, I need to confess! I'm actually Irish, I just called myself Scotty to rebel against my strict parents while I was in High School!" shouted Scotty, while panicking.

"You'll be fine Scotty, here just sit down." said Bones, lifting the crippled man into a wheelchair.

"That's much better, now let's get moving!" said Kirk, as the remaining crew began to move.

"Are you sure this is OK? I mean, I'm still bleeding and there's still glass in my legs!" said a concerend Scotty

"Quit being a crybaby and move!" said Spock, and Scotty rolled along behind them.

Finally, they arrived on planet Greece. It looked just like regular Greece, but as a planet. It was very poor, but filled with Gods, so it only applied to the poor people living under the rule of the actual Greek gods.

"We settled here after other inferior races on earth made fun of our stupid names. So we decided we had enough and migrated here to start our own society, but better." said Hermes.

"We would've asked you if we cared, idiot." said Kirk.

"OK, fine, just enter this ominous temple and sacrifice a bull or maybe a few sheep, then Aphrodite will appear. You have a bull right?" said Hermes.

But the crew then made a horrible revelation, they had left all their sacrificial bulls back on the ship!

"Oh no! What are we going to do without the bulls!" said a panicked Uhura.

"Typical woman getting worried over nothing. Look, we'll go into the temple and make something up, it'll be fine!" said Kirk, but maybe his confidence will get the better of him. Nevertheless they trekked (get it?) up the hill towards the temple.

"Uh guys... this hill's a little steep. I don't thin this chair can make it." said Scotty, as his arms began to feel a little weak.

"Oh buck up Scotty! Are you not grateful for my treatment of you?" said Bones

"Not at all! I think I have an infection for the glass still stuck in my untreated legs." said the crippled Scotty, as he began to slide further and further down the hill.

"Sorry Scots, can't hear ya! You'll have to speak up louder if you want some help!" said Kirk, journeying into the temple.

Once inside, they got down on their knees and began to pray.

"If we pray hard enough, maybe Aphrodite will give us a freebee or something. I mean, we spent years of our life travelling here. That's a sacrifice... of our time!" said Kirk.

Then, after praying hard enough, Aphrodite appeared.

"Wow Kirk, it worked, it's a miracle!" said Spock, getting on his feet once.

"Well, after committing that generous act of kindness outside, I figured it was only right that I should come and help you guys out." said Aphrodite, looking as charming as ever.

"Good deed? Do you mean my looks? I did put on extra makeup today." said Kirk.

"No, of course I mean putting that old, sad, crippled man out of his misery just outside my temple." said Aphrodite.

"Oh yeah, that guy was a burden!" said Bones, regretting his life choices just thinking about Scotty.

"Anyhow, what can I do for you boys?" said Aphrodite with a wink.

"Give us true love and romance. We've been looking for it for years!" said Kirk, desperately begging on his knees like a little girl.

"True love? With you loser? HA! Don't make me laugh! You idiots couldn't find true love even if I gave it to you!" laughed Aphrodite

"You kidding me, so we came here for nothing?" said Spock

"Well... not for nothing..." said Aphrodite mysteriously

"Err... what is that supposed to mean?" said Kirk

"I know what you did to poor Hermes. I even know you gave him the name 'Herpes' 'cause you thought it was funny." said Aphrodite.

"Were sorry for that, but be honest with yourself, it was a pretty funny name." said Spock reasonably

"Silence! For capturing a fellow god and mocking him, us gods must take drastic measures and punish you ourselves! And I have just the idea..." said Aphrodite.

And so, despite the constant begging and pleading from the crew of the enterprise, they were made eternal slaves of the Greek gods, and were subject to all the nasty and lewd things a god could imagine. Truthfully, they weren't there forever, just until they had discovered the true meaning of love. But knowing them, it will take basically forever.

THE END


End file.
